Monday, January 28, 2013

Quarter Life

Lately I've had a feeling of unrest creeping up inside of me. My soul is shaky and I'm afraid it's showing in my stride. I try and walk carefully, thinking about each step before I take it, but I'm still landing a bit unbalanced.

I've been struggling through the why of this for the last week or so and I've concluded that I'm having a bit of an identity crisis.... a quarter life crisis if you will.

I'm 27 years old, a mother of two, a wife of 4 and a half years, a teacher still fresh in her career and an American living in Mexico, speaking imperfect Spanish on a daily basis. I'm making dinner, doing dishes, letting laundry build up, grading papers, dealing with students, attempting to grow a 2.5 year old and care for an infant, all the while trying not to forget that I have a husband who needs time and attention and a marriage that needs looking after.


There's more, but I'm tired of thinking about it all. The part of that short paragraph that has been pulling at me over the last few months is the 27-year-old with 2 kids part. 

I'm young. I see my friends who are the same age living the single life, working through new living situations, new jobs, finding their niche; exploring, discovering who they are.

I see other moms out there living this so called "mom life." Most of them stay home. They are caring for their kids, cleaning the house, finding new recipes on Pinterest; fully occupied with caring for their family.

Neither of these people are me and yet, I so badly want to fit into one of these categories.

The thing is, I am not a single 20-something finding her niche. I am not a stay-at-home-mom, focused fully on caring for her family. I am this 20-something working mom.

I love my kids. I love my husband. Sometimes I wish I could go out all night and not have to worry about the next morning, or the 3am feeding. 

I like to look at recipes on Pinterest and write down a weekly meal plan with a hint of hope that those meals might actually get made (they often don't). 

The truth is, I envy my single friends. They have so much room to discover who they are; to spend the careful time it takes to reflect, to grow. 

I envy my mom friends who seem so confident in their role as mother, wife, homemaker.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing wrong.

When saying all of this to my husband the other day, he simply said, yeah, but we're not any of those things. We aren't the norm. We're the exception.

He lit up as he said this. 

He went on to say, we live in Mexico, we visit ancient ruins, see swarms of butterflies over the weekend. This is our life.

He loves our life.

Why am I having such a hard time feeling the same love.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids deeply. They are a part of me; a limb, my heartbeat.

I love my husband deeply. He is my adventurer; my handholder.

But I want to feel the love for my life. For where I am and who I am. 

If I'm completely honest, I'm just not there right now. I'm in process. 27 is young to know who you are and where you fit.

I'm still trying to figure it out; actually I feel like I'm just starting to try and figure it out. I have this urge to know, or at least to have an idea.

For right now I'm unsteady. I'm working through it, and I know that's OK. I'm allowed this time, as long as I use it wisely; productively. Time is not something to be taken lightly. 

So I'll use it. I will take on it's responsibility and begin to find my niche.